Anxiety vs Depression
Have you ever had depression and anxiety at the same time? I don't mean the mild kind or you likely won't notice it, but the seriously bad kind for both (whatever that may mean).
As it turns out, anxiety has priority over depression. Since you're constantly on edge and panicking due to upcoming future events, you are too busy to be depressed.
Think of it like an analogous of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, just for fucked up things. Can't focus on self-actualization if you don't have food. Can't focus on depression if you're too anxious.
Even more curious, there have been moments where I'm not suffering as badly. This is not the curious part. That part comes when I go back to inevitably suffering badly again.
Let me try to explain. When the really bad times begin again after a period of "relief", I realize that during the period it wasn't as bad, I forgot how terrible it felt to feel these illnesses in full force.
Put another way: Despite suffering severe anxiety and depression for decades, I still forget what it truly feels like when they're in full force when I'm not suffering so much.
I forget how every second that ticks away feels like a needle pricking me. The constant feeling of impending doom in my gut. Knowing that the only good day is one where nothing bad happens - and that those are very rare. Having to hold back tears in public, and having no empirical evidence to give as for why the tears come.
But all these are just words. Ugh. I feel cringe reading it back. But words mean little in the end. You can perhaps attribute feelings to those words in your mind, but you cannot understand.
This applies, I feel, to a lot. You cannot truly understand homelessness if you aren't experiencing it in the present. Even if you once did (which does help), it's not the same. Pregnancy. Bullying. Assault. Getting bombed by a foreign country. Losing a limb. Having chronic pain. Being truly alone. Even if you experienced any of these in the past, you can't fully get them unless you are experiencing them in the present.
But also - getting a promotion. Having a lot of money. Kissing someone for the first time. Feeling true joy. Having friends you truly trust. Man, I do wonder what being happy is like. Beyond what I intuit it feels like.
Since you're reading and I'm writing, let me be the one to get a few seconds of your pity knowing that I don't get the good ones.
...
Thank you, that's enough, you can go now.